And then there was none...
Yesterday
I am in need of a new cooking implement. My fry pan is all chewed up and the Velcrow or whatever is the non stick surface is coming off in bits and pieces.
A-yup...book it on over to Linfens and Fangs to search for something new and better. I have been watching too many shows on the Food Network. My goal in life is to be able to flip the food right in the pan like those TV equestrians do on the cooking shows. Is that too much to ask for?
So, I go past all the back to school stuff. Dorm room stuffers. A mini microwave for the bookshelf to heat up day old slice of pizza while you have the warm beer left over from last night's kegger.
Over to the kitchen equipment stuff. I look at the Emmeral line and the other lines; 40, 50, or more dollars to flip my food in a cool looking pan. I look and look, push and read, and compare.
N0-a. I don't feel the need anymore. I'm losing it; my passion is waning for a new pan...maybe the old one can still suffice. I'm sure that ingesting a little more of that Velcrow from my non-stick pan couldn't hurt me that much more...
On the way out the door; past all the cheap plastic kitchen aids that no one needs, but everyone buys...I remember. I remember the Deborah Kitchen. She's a cook. She can probably flip food right in the pan. And she uses, she u-s-e-s.... Cast Iron Skillets.
And then it came to me...just as I walked through the automatic doors of Linfens and Gangs. A Cast Iron Skillet, I NEED A CAST IRON SKILLET. Of course, it has always been there waiting for me in the recesses of my lifebeingstuff.
Now a Cast Iron Skettlet is what all the cowboys cook with out on the range; and people in tar paper ranch homes cook with if they don't know about modern advances like Velcrow no stuck technology; first developed by Dow Chemical who brought us Agent Orange and other good things for life.
No self respectful yuppie store like LinFangs and Thangs would sell a Cast Iron Skellit. Where would cowboys and tar paper ranch home dwellers go to get one of those type things?
WalMart
And away I go. Into the kitchen implements section. And sure enough. They have one; and only one big one. Now being something of a lessor cook, I know about seasoning. But the only set of instructions on how to season this sucker is on another pan that I don't want; and it's glued on to that pan with superBlue or something or another and it won't come off without making a big friggin scene right there in the KI isle at WalMart.
Now, I happen to know. Way in the way back of the WalMart store; cause I've seen it. Up on the walls of the EmployeeOnly area of the WalMart store is a special color coded flip chart of emergency codes for the various horrible things that might happen at your local WalMort store.
Red: Armed Robbery in Progress.
"Attention WalMort Employees, there is a code red condition in our local store right now"
"Code red, code red, I repeat CODE RED"
Blue: Woman with child projectile vomiting in the Women'sApparel section
Orange: Unruly customer arguing with CSR in the PhotoFinishing area.
Purple: Terrorists attacking the DVDSales andServiceDepartment.
Black: Customer in KI department isle ripping instructions off of one skillet to put on another.
No, not I. This is not an indignity I will suffer though again. So I do the next bext thing and stand in the KI isle and memorize the instructions. Mem-o-rize. How hard can this be?
The Mem-o-rized instructions tell me that I need some Krisco type real vegtable shorting to be melted and applied. How hard can that be.
So, off to the Big Y to keep some dinner stuff to put in my skilled and some Kisko to melt on it for the season.
Got the goods, get back home. Put a wad of Crisgo in the pot to melt it to make CrisSoup to apply; and turn on the oven to 350 baketime like the Mem-o-zized instructions said to me to do. And I take and apply and aplly all around the skillet; inside and outside and inside and outside. And into the oven it goes. How hard...
Now upstairs to wait out the hour of seasons on my Cast Iron Skillet while I surf for things on my Puter.
My son OnTheWayOutofTheShowerOnTheWaytoWork
comes back upstairs to tell me that the whole downstairs in filled with smoke. So I have set the whole friggon apartment complexly on to fire with my Mem-o-siezed instructions from the WalMort KI isle NoCodeBlack enforcement.
And sure enaught, coming down to the stairs, the whole first floor is filled with smoke; and it's coming from the oven with the seasons in it on the Skullet that I just bought for to season.
So, I turn off the oven; remove the skullet, and place it on top of the stove top burner where it will reside...and open the windows and open the doors and get the smoke to go away please.
Now, it just so happens that it is lucky that my apartment complexity owners knew that it would be a good bad idea to have smoke alarms in the apartments cause they know better than the law that these friggone things make way to much noise screaming in your ear about nothing. So the good news was that the smoke alarms that were not in my apartment complexity that never got to scream in my ears. Thanks apartment owners!
And the smoke went away.
Then there was dinner in my new Cast Iron Skillet; and it was a pretty good dinner which I enjoyed pretty good.
But all that smoke infused seasoning on the skillet seems to have made it spot weld to the stovetop burner when it was cooking on the bottom of the skillet and later at wash up time...it would not release from the burner cause it was spot welded onto it; and when I pulled up on it, the whole burner came off the stove top thing.
And then I cleaned it up. And then I wrote this letter.
